You guys are all awesome as ****. Seriously.
I wasn't feeling as bad about it at this point, but I wanted to try to accurately represent my emotions from that weekend session. And I guess it worked, because I felt a bit frustrated just thinking back on it.
That session was the first time I've felt really, really steamed in quite a while - and that's including Foxwoods and Vegas combined. There's some accumulated emotion in there obviously, but in a way, the act of getting steamed kind of shook me up too? Like the fact that I got pissed kind of frustrated me, which I think compounded everything.
As for being able to win, I know that I can. It's pretty unbelievable, but the truth is I just can't put enough volume in live to even say my "profit rate" is remotely close to my true win-rate. So I know I can't get hung up on this run I'm having.
But I think what hurts the worst isn't the losing. Not on its own anyway. Hell, I started out live poker losing money hand over fist. No, what's worse is WINNING first. My
bankroll was at an all-time peak, and I was playing and holding my own at a new limit - my first limit jump up in months and months. Then gradually and suddenly it's like I fell off a cliff and practically all I've done since then is lose.
I know I'm miles ahead of the people I'm playing with, and I know it will turn around. But I also want to take this opportunity to reflect on my mental game and tactical game again. I can improve both, undoubtedly.
Ironically, I felt that that session showed some of my strongest performances in both categories. I may have run below expectation given how some of my big hands went (and how I didn't get action when I made good value hands), but I created a LOT of +EV spots that a ton of weaker players wouldn't have been able to begin thinking about, let alone executing. And I ran very subpar the entire night but didn't get too crazy. I felt that even though some of my bluffs were picked off, I mostly picked pretty good spots.
@Sand: Thanks, as always, for helping keep me sane. I know the emotions aren't unnatural or anything. I find it frustrating that I still experience them in such extremes, but I also understand that having that experience is how I grow and learn to move forward consistently.
@deuces: If that's so, then I'm honored.
You've done so much to help me grow as a player, and sharing mental game struggles with you has always made me feel like what I was going through wasn't just okay, but normal. You watched me flail through the micros and get hit hard at almost every turn. One thing I'll always appreciate is that you took the time to go through my old mental game thread. Looking back, it's not like anything that exciting went on in there, so it was pretty sick to have better players who'd been around that block sending run good my way.
Thanks again to everyone. Like I said, I wrote this out to try to feel better about it, but at first it just brought back some challenging emotions. I was writing for myself, not for you guys, and what did you do? Spoiled me rotten. Thanks for reminding me that not all aspects of poker suck - and that you guys are pretty much the best part.
'Til next time.
